The Favorite

A friend asked me if my son's siblings were jealous of the financial help we were giving him for grad school. Honestly, the thought had not crossed my mind. My answer was sudden and definitive: no. But, then the thought was introduced and, of course, made me wonder if I was dreaming. Somehow missing this dynamic in our family. The one that involves jealousy and the longing to be the special child, the favorite.

It's not like I am oblivious to that green monster that lurks in many, perhaps most, families. It's safe to say that anger and jealousy were the predominant emotions of my own family of origin. There was always this sense of a finite amount of love, nurturing and resources. If one child happened to receive attention, say for an illness or accident, the others were bereft. What little love and attention that was available was being doled out in lavish servings to only one. It inspired some pretty amazing battles. If you were the favorite in my family you paid a high price. The sibs attacked on many fronts through physical violence and even more painful, through the battering of the ego. By the time they were finished with you, if they ever finished since the battering goes on even today, you were left whimpering in defeat and confusion.

I don't remember being the favorite, ever, in any realm. Family, work, community or otherwise. The status of not-the-favorite has held me in good stead.

So, I asked my daughter if she was jealous of the help being given to her brother. She replied, "of course not. I would be disappointed if you didn't help him. In fact, I would help him myself if it was possible." I didn't bother to ask the other son who was finishing up a year in Germany and had traveled to several European countries. The daughter's answer gave me true parenting joy. I realized that she got it that in our family each person is cherished and supported in ways that cannot be measured. That is not to say that we, as parents, do not make mistakes. But the mistakes are forgiven because in the end everyone is the favorite. I like to ask my kids the following question: if you had ten mothers would I be your favorite? They answer correctly every time.