The Summer of Broken Things

Here all the things that have broken this summer: the computer, the fridge, the hot tub, the vacumn cleaner, the red vase, my watch, the sewing machine, my brother Mark. Some of these things have been fixed, some are waiting to be fixed. My brother Mark died on July 4 of congestive heart failure. He was broken for many years. There were attempts to fix him, but you cannot ever "fix" anyone. I know better as a counselor. People have to see that something is broken and then they have to want to change it or heal it or deal with it in some way. You can want better or different for someone, but maybe they don't want something different. They want what they want. Truly, I am not sure what my brother wanted for himself. He lived with my mother for the last 6 years of his life. He was very physically ill, visiting the doctor on a regular basis. Taking his meds, not taking his meds. He continued to abuse tobacco and alcohol inspite of the advise from his doctors. It was painful to see him in person because he looked so sick. Pale, yellow, bloated stomach and a look of fear and deep sadness on his face. But it was his life and he lived it as he wished. When he died, it was a shock. It didn't matter that we, his siblings expected his early death. Talked about it: you know, when Mark dies.....Mark will surely die before Mom....what will happen to Mom when Mark dies.... Still, it was a shock and it made me feel bone tired. That is what serious sadness feels like, exhaustion permeates every cell of your body. I had a few dreams about Mark after he died. He was happy in my dreams. I am sure that his broken spirit has been healed. I realize that this summer of broken things is an important lesson. Things break, sometimes you can fix them. Sometimes they cannot be fixed. Sometimes, other things come into your life and take the place of the broken thing. I am waiting to find out what will fill in the empty place of my brother. It's happening right now. I am waiting.